Rootin'Tootin' Odie

What can I say about an old man and his toileting? I have cleaned more messes that I did combined of all of my four children when it comes to Dad.
Without being too graphic I will explain just what it's like dealing with a sometimes incontinent 92 year old male who is not cooperative in doing as we ask.
I would love to tell it just as it is in plain language but something tells me that if Dad knew I was sharing this at all he would have a fit. lol Not that I am concerned that he will read it or that someone will tell him. It's just the fear of thinking that it could occur! lol He can't ground me anymore....but still, once a daughter, always a daughter. Dad could put me to work for lesser offenses!

So on occasion Dad becomes uhhhhh stopped up. His terminology is colorful, let's just say. This has been a lifetime battle he says. I say had he eaten right all his life instead of the gravies, meat and carbs, he would not have had this problem now. Of course he disagrees because......that's what he does! He never drank enough water during the day....he didn't have juices to drink. He and Mom both had the same bad habits. Henceforth they both had the same problems. Dad proudly said he could go all day without something to drink. Mom and Dad would laugh at us, Rod, I and the kids, because we carried cups around wherever we went. They were in the car, filled always just for something to drink all day long. It's a lesson they should have followed. So now Rod and I, oh and Corey now have the displeasure of dealing with Dad and his uhhhh pooping problem.
I have worked for 3 years to finally get him off laxatives and the ridiculous routine he had of not having a BM for 5-6 days. When he lived alone he would call my sister and I only after he waited that length of time to tell us. Time after time.....and of course he would end up in the hospital because he waited to long and he couldn't do anything to help himself. Oh my Dad is a riot when it comes to excuses......even now. He has his solutions to the problem that require a rubber glove. Think on that for a moment. Yeah. Oh I am so against him doing that and I told him the other night, NO, I am not giving you a rubber glove....we need to fix this problem from the inside out....not the outside in. You could rupture your bowel.
So the mistake Rod made was leaving him alone to try and do some pushing to end "our" misery....cause this had gone on for 2 days. I had changed his brief so many times that I had filled the tall trash can in his bathroom. It was not the bulk part of it but the watery part of it....oh my God you have not lived until you deal with this mess for days. He never managed to make it to the toilet in time....and then he tries to help you pull the brief down while you are yelling, "Don't touch anything......then again, I said Don't touch a THING Dad.....he keeps on until you have to look him in the face and say, LISTEN TO ME, KEEP YOUR HANDS OUT OF THE BRIEF. LOL By this time you have an audience and the two other men in the house are laughing at my struggle to get Dad to listen to me. Dad's answer...."I was just trying to help." For the umpteenth time he is trying to help. Each time we go through this it's like the 1st time for Dad....he just doesn't remember going through this before. So he says.
So Rod leaves him in the bathroom the other night alone. I am hiding out somewhere....lol I had already spent 24 hours dealing with every few hours of Dad yelling the words somewhere in the house....."Oh No, I crapped my pants!" There's no time to get to the bathroom. Now you would think that I gave him a dose of the stuff you take for a colonoscopy. Nope, just the regular fiber chewables and his regular dose of Miralax just to keep him moving.
So I finally appear through the living room and see Rod in his chair, but no Dad in his. I asked where he was and Rod says in the bathroom. I walk into the bathroom and there he is, in all his glory, his hand in the air covered in............yeah, you guessed it. I was upset to say the least. So when I asked what part of no did you not understand when Rod told you that was not acceptable to do, he replies, "Well, someone had to do it, you wouldn't. Didn't you know what you had taken on when you brought me here?" LOL
I think my face turned 10 shades of red. I thought I was going to burst. Thank goodness at least Rod was in there by now....going to get me an old toothbrush that I could use to clean his hands and then throw away. I had to glove up and try to keep him from touching anything in the room. You can't imagine how hard that is because to him, he doesn't have anything on his hand. He will tell you it's your fault cause you didn't get him the glove. hahahahaha This is a no win situation. So I take a deep breath, sigh, sometimes the tears roll down my cheeks from exhaustion, and plod on.
I spent an hour today taking off the toilet seat and thoroughly bleaching it and cleaning it because he hits the back of the seat into the hinges. Oh it's always a battle to get him to sit right on the toilet. Then this morning, it hit me....just take the plastic seat off. He fits fine without it and I won't have that mess to clean yet again for the 100th time! I am a genius! lol
"These are the days that try men's souls". I truly understand that quote. I truly do.
I try not to cuss but as anyone in the house will tell you, sometimes I am not successful and the words fly out like hot fudge on ice cream. I have a whole repertoire of phrases for such occasions. lol
So now we are into day 3 of watery substances which has kept him from the Sr Center because as you well can imagine, they don't want to deal with this and I don't blame them.
Right now he is sleeping on the sofa. He could explode at any moment. I must go check. Tata!